BREAKING: Trev Alberts Caught on Tape Beating Child With ‘Hope’ and ‘Kindness’

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LINCOLN, NE — More drama out of Lincoln, today. A tape has surfaced of former football player and current Athletic Director, Trev Alberts, beating a group of children senseless using “hope”, “encouragement” and “kindness”.

According to sources, Trev was caught on tape, “shaking hands”, “patting kids on the head” and “chatting politely” — as many of the kids left the meeting battered with “smiles” and ailing from an increased “sense of well-being” and “happiness”. On lookers were horrified at the events and immediately reached out to the Scarlet Tribune to report the tragedy.

Celebrities from around the football world have commented on the incident. Joe Paterno took a brief break from being dead to say: “I didn’t see it, but it’s probably fine.” Former NFL running back, Adrian Peterson, took to Twitter saying in part, “That AD needs beat… with a stick!” Former NFL quarterback Michael Vick issued a statement saying: “Dog, that’s brutal!”

We reached out to head coach, Scott Frost, for comment, but he simply stared angrily at us before walking off — in gym shorts!

We’ll have more as this develops.

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