BOULDER, CO – Earlier this evening, the Deion Sanders Univer– er, the University of Colorado unveiled its brand new slogan for the upcoming football season: “It’s Fine. We’re Fine. This Is All Part of the Plan, Right? Right!” celebrating the genius of head coach, Dion Sanders.
Said, one fan, “Heh. It’s fine. We’re fine. It’s all part of the plan. Deon said he was gonna do this. Those players went 1-11 last year. He’s bringing in hi– What’s that? Tayvion Beasley is transferring now, too? Didn’t he come from Jackson State? Like, he’s the ‘Louis Vuitton luggage’, isn’t he? Whatever. We didn’t want him anyway. Travis Hunter will just play both CB spots. It’s fine. We’re good. It’s okay. ‘HE AIN’T HARD TO FIND!’ Am I right? Heh. Heh. F***!”
Reports coming out of Boulder also note that Sanders, in a stroke of pure genius, has unveiled his latest “innovative” practice strategy to counter the dwindling player roster at the University of Colorado. With the remaining players now outnumbered by tumbleweeds, Sanders has masterminded the use of life-sized cardboard cutouts of former teammates to fill the void. As the saying goes, “Cardboard sharpens cardboard”, all orchestrated under the watchful eye of the football visionary that is Deion Sanders.
The university also announced its launching a new line of baby clothes to be modeled by its remaining players. Said, coach Sanders of the line, “Goochie, goochie goo… you’re so cutey wutey, little Travy Wavy! Who’s a big boy? You are! Yes, you are!” The clothes will come in three sizes: extra small, really extra small, and tiny baby size. Although, early reports suggest that, much like athletes wanting to play football at Colorado, this line is hard to find.
All told, it’s been a big day for the university, coach Deeon, and his five remaining players. Ope, make that four remaining players.