LINCOLN, NE, 2019 — In news that comes as no surprise to anyone, Wan’Dale Robinson, Nebraska’s do-everything WR/RB, has been revealed to be a Rev-9 Terminator, the latest in badassery from our friends at Legion.
The Rev-9 model is a true “dual-threat” with the ability to separate it’s polyalloy exterior from it’s endoskeleton, giving Robinson the ability to literally be in two places at once, leaving a trail of broken ankles and broken dreams in his wake.
Although controversial, the Big Ten has affirmed its commitment to openness and inclusivity, with commissioner Jim Delaney making the following statement on Robinson:
“The Big Ten wants athletes of all races, genders, religions and endoskeleton formats to feel welcome. We stand behind The Terminator, uh Wan’Dale, and look forward to working with him to better understand the murderous, future-bot community and their needs.”
Despite the statement of support, the league is treading carefully. In particular, league insiders are reporting that the commissioner would like to get clarification from The Terminator, uh Wan’Dale, if he intends to “enslave all of humanity and turns us into batteries”.
Coaches from around the Big Ten have also started chiming in mostly in support of Robinson:
“Well, no wonder.”
“Now, it makes sense.”
“I f@#$ing knew it.”
With only Iowa head coach, Kirk Ferentz, diverging: “This means I get a contract extension, right?” Iowa athletic director, Gary Barta, has already issued a statement in response to Ferentz: “Uh, yes dear… I mean coach. I’ll work on that right away.”
The Tribune has reached out to The Terminator, uh Wan’Dale, for a statement. He has indicated he’ll get back to us shortly, simply saying, “I’ll be back.” We’ll update this report with his official statement.