LINCOLN, NE — Joyou– er, disturbing news out of Lincoln today as sources close to the University of Nebraska have confirmed that Will Bolt will be indicted on several charges related to today’s baseball game VS Minnesota. According to those sources, the charges will include “gratuitous assault of a baseball”, “oh man, we murdered them fools” and “cruel and unusual punishment of a wee little gopher”.
The University issued the following statement: “Heh, f*** them gophs!” For his part, Bolt has remained quiet, simply grinning and winking, presumably plotting his next attack.
Twitter.com experienced over an hour of downtime due to “exceeded capacity” as millions of RSOs rushed to delete their “FIRE BOLT!” tweets. Meanwhile, the reaction from Husker fans has been mixed with many celebrating the aweso– er heinous crime while others remain skeptical. We interviewed one Husker on a Corner who had this to say, “Waaa. I wanna be right. Waa!” We were immediately blocked on Twitter by this brave soul after our interview.
In response, Purdue has pre-emptively canceled all future baseball games with Nebraska and the Big Ten announced it’s “just gonna go ahead and crown Purdue champ now, cuz f*** Nebra– er, safety”.
