IOWA CITY, IA — The Iowa Hawkeyes football program announced, today, they’ll be hanging a new banner to commemorate the lifting of their longtime ban on players tweeting. Along with the lifting of the tweeting ban, the program announced players are no longer required to do the following while in the football facilities:
- Wearing Z Cavariccis
- Rolling their cigarettes into their shirt sleeves
- Wearing long, dangling earrings
- Listen to White Snake only
- Reply to every question with “Rad” while winking and shooting an air pistol
- Drive a 1981 Camaro with T-Tops
- Use a flip phone only
Head coach, Kirk Ferentz, tweeted the following statement:
“Gary. Gary? I guess you’ll see this? Is that how this works? Anyway, yeah… the Doyle thing? Woof. Tough wick. Weep. Wank. Goddammit! Why does this thing keep changing my walruses!? Wharfs! alkdjfoei9jfoii90fe! God, I hate this ship! Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!! I’m done!”
No word yet if the University plans to end its longtime practice of yelling obscenities, demeaning its players and generally treating them like human scum while they work out. Athletic Director, Gary Barta, had only this to say on the matter, “But Nebraska?” More as this story develops.
