CANTON, OH — The Selection Committee announced today that Derrick Henry’s stiff arm will be inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame — breaking its own rule that inductees must be retired for five years. Carl David Baker had this to say no the induction:
“First and foremost, we want to state unequivocally that Derrick Henry did not, in any way whatsoever, intimidate, threaten or scare the living s!@# out of us to get his stiff arm inducted into the Hall of Fame.”
Whispers, “Is that good, DH?”
DH: “Yes, Derrick Henry will not destroy you, now.”
Baker continued nervously, “Hehe… so yeah… definitely didn’t threaten us and um… we just felt like the evidence was so overwhelming that we wanted to induct it, now. Ok, all good. Can we go, now?”
DH: “Committee man will answer questions.”
Baker: “Ooookay, we’re taking questions, then.”
Reporter: “What about the rest of Derrick Henry?”
Henry glares at Baker.
Baker responds: “Hehe… yeah well um… I’m sure he’ll end up there, too, but we wanted to let that pl–
Henry grunts at Baker…
Baker continues: “I mean, I mean… oh f!@# it, he’s in, too. Him, his family, his best friend, the guy he tipped well at dinner yesterday… they’re all in. Just get me the f!@# out of here.”
Derrick Henry nods approvingly.