ATLANTA, GA — Another one bites the dust, as they say. Despite repeated warnings from the CDC, a local woman willfully and consciously decided to watch baseball and that decision turned out to be fatal.
It happened late Tuesday night. Deprived of a real sport, college football, she decided to turn on the Atlanta Braves. By the end of the first inning, extreme boredom had already set in. She struggled to stay awake, chugging beers and slamming hot dogs, but nothing worked.
By the end of the second inning, she’d fallen into a deep sleep. As she slept, the constant drumbeat of boredom emanating from her TV drove her into a coma. With nobody to save her, the extreme boredom continued to brow beat her deeper and deeper into unconsciousness… until, sadly, she stopped breathing. By the 5th inning, she was gone. Albeit, with a new Guinness record for “Longest Time Survived Actually Watching… Like, By Choice… a Baseball Game”.
This is the 753rd baseball-related death, this week. As fans of college football desperately search for entertainment in other sports. Golf, bowling and stabbing oneself in the eyeballs repeatedly have all seen a resurgence in interest.
The CDC, however, continues to single out baseball as “the single most boring ‘sport’ ever and fans should avoid it at all costs lest they die.” The CDC recommends gardening or fishing or… stabbing oneself in the eyeballs repeatedly as alternative forms of entertainment that are safer than watching baseball… especially the Braves. ?♂️
