BOULDER, CO — Perfectly fine and okay news out of Boulder today as the University of Colorado, which is completely fine, it’s all part of the plan, announced the launch of a new line of totally fine revolving doors. These state-of-the-art, absolutely not-an-issue doors are a fitting addition to the Colorado Football facilities, making transferring in and immediately back out much more convenient… which is fine, it’s fine, it’s all part of the master plan, and everything is absolutely, positively FINE!
The doors, created in honor of new head coach, Deion Sanders, who definitely HAS a plan, celebrate the coach’s ability to be easy to find, albeit briefly, but also serve as a reminder that the constant comings and goings of players are totally normal and not at all indicative of any deeper issues within the program. It’s just 4D chess and EVERYTHING IS FINE!
Deion Sanders also issued the following statement: “These revolving doors are a symbol of the stability and caring we’re bringing to the team. We love our players! This guy right here… uh, Jaso– oh, Jeremy. Yeah, JEREMY is MY guy. We love the ki– you’re transferring out, too? Well, f*** you, then. NO PRACTICE FILM! Anyway, like I was saying, we’ve got a plan, and it’s working like a charm. It’s all perfectly fine. No need to look behind the curtain. Everything is fine. Them checks clear, yet, tho?”
The new doors will be released exclusively in K-Mart stores, a strategic partnership that both parties describe as “a match made in heaven.” K-Mart, known for its impeccable taste in affordable home furnishings, is excited to offer its loyal customers a piece of history. A spokesperson for K-Mart issued the following statement regarding the partnership, “K-Mart is fine, everything is great, we’ll be fin– sh**, another store just closed. We meant to do that. It’s FINE!” Like we said, a match made in heaven!
