Husker Fan ‘Unsatisfied’ With Heaven

LINCOLN, NE — Husker fan and Lincoln native, Debbie Douner, recently took a trip to heaven and spoke with the Scarlet Tribune about her experience, “Yeah, it’s all pure joy and bliss, but it’s Heaven. That’s what it’s supposed to be, right? Not sure why everybody gets so excited about it.”

Debbie continued, “Not to mention it almost never happened. I mean, look at God’s battles with the devil. He almost gave it away. The first battle. Using thunderbolts? What was he thinking? Bad call.”

Debbie also questioned if God is using his angels correctly, “Not to mention keeping Michael the Archangel in there when Gabriel has clearly been more decisive. I mean, I know Michael is 2-0 and Gabriel is 0-2, but that’s not Gabriel’s fault. It’s the angels around him. But, it’s not the angels around Michael when he’s not performing well, but we’re winni– okay, I’m a bit confused, but it’s Michael’s fault, somehow. I know that! And, if God battles like this in the next fight with the devil, he’s going to lose.”

Debbie even went so far as to question God’s role as supreme being, “It’s just fact. He’s the worst Supreme Being in the Universe that we’ve had. If he wasn’t from our galaxy, would you be so supportive? I don’t know, maybe letting the devil be in charge for awhile, again, wouldn’t be so bad. At this point, what could it hurt?”

UPDATE: Sources have now revealed to us that Debbie is actually an Iowa Hawkeyes fan pretending to be a Husker fan. That or a Creighton Blue Jays fan. Same difference.

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