IOWA CITY, IA — The Iowa Hawkeyes Athletic Department announced today that they’ll be converting their old, unused Conference and National Championship trophy room into a new, state-of-the-art analytics center for finding all the trivial and nuanced ways Iowa has been better than Nebraska the last 20 years.
Athletic Director, Gary Barta, commented on the announcement saying, “We just wanted to focus on what’s important. Conference Championships, National Championships… who cares? It’s about Nebraska and how we’ve been just slightly better than them. That’s what fans care about. But, to be clear, Nebraska is definitely NOT our Super Bowl! No, no.”
Head coach, Kirk Ferentz, also commented on the announcement saying, “Hey, whatever he needs to justify me staying. Show me the money, Barta, show me the m’fing money!”
Reportedly, some of the initial reports coming out of the analytics center will include “Did You See How Close Our Losses Were Though”, “Our Bowl Is Better” and “But, In This Arbitrary Time Period, We Have a .4 Better Winning Percentage, So There”.
No word yet on whether the athletic department will begin hanging banners in their practice facilities based on these reports.