Iowa Hires Expert to Ease ‘Counting’ Concerns In Game Against Nebraska

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IOWA CITY, IA — The University of Iowa announced early Saturday morning that it had hired a “world renowned math expert” to aid university officials in the scoring of tonight’s men’s basketball game against Nebraska — in an effort to ease concerns about Iowans’ ability to “count and add and do that thrr maaath thang”.

The University released this statement: “Well uh we ain’t like rill good at that math stuff, so we-ins wunted 2 get one of them thrr smart fellers. And we-ins all agreed… Big Bird wuz a no-brainer!”

Big Bird was seen already hard at work coaching university officials: “No. FFS. 5. 5 comes after 4 not 6. This is f!@#ing hopele– hey! Who are you? Shut that door. You’re not supposed to be in here. You better go. 2+2’s gonna equal my foot up your a$$ if you don’t get outta here!”

Insider reports have also said Herky the Hawk is pissed. Word is Herky and Big Bird have a long-standing feud over their love triangle with Billy Bluejay.

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