Kirk Ferentz to Launch New Brand of Cereal: ‘Whiteys’


IOWA CITY, IA — Iowa head football coach, Kirk Ferentz, announced today he’s launching a new brand of cereal: Whiteys. Ferentz said he wanted to capitalize on his newfound among fame among “a lar– I mean, small segment of the Hawkeyes fan base”. Ferentz responded to criticism that the cereal could be perceived as racist by saying:

“Black Lives Matter”.

As Ferentz uttered the phrase, all the protesting across Iowa immediately stopped. Rioters put down their molotov cockt– uh, freedom bottles, loote– I mean, protestors put down the Nike’s they were “borrowing”. Black, white, hispanic, and asian people across Iowa immediately all held hands and started singing “Kumbaya”. All racism everywhere ended and we all lived happily ever after. Well done, Kirk. Well done!

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