Lincoln Man Dead From Starvation After Addiction to Recruiting Porn

Skeleton at Computer

LINCOLN, NE — “Look how long and thick he is. And, how aggressively he hits it. Can’t wait to see this guy in action.” Those are the official last words of Lincoln native and Husker fan, Clate Nouse.

Nouse was found dead in his Lincoln home early Monday morning. According to detectives, Nouse died of “starvation and dehydration”. He was found slumped over his computer, with the Nebraska football 247 commit list open, his finger on the refresh button.

Nouse’s wife spoke to the Tribune regarding the incident, “I tried to help him, but he was addicted. He wouldn’t listen. He just kept going on and on about those ‘JUCO linebackers’ and how great they looked on film. I’ll be honest, I felt betrayed. So, I went to my sister’s house to clear my head. And, when I came back, that’s when I found him.”

According to Nouse’s wife, Clate had been glued to his computer since the end of the Iowa game the day after Thanksgiving, not eating or drinking, just obsessively pressing refresh on Twitter and 247. Things really got bad the last few days as commits started rolling into Nebraska.

Funeral services will be held on December 18th, shortly after close of business for National Letter of Intent Signing Day, per Nouse’s will.

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