TUSCALOOSY, ALABAMYA, Y’ALL! — Ah doo declarrr! Juth wen we thought nuthin’ could thatter our pershception of realithy– Thorry, forgoth to puth ma teef en y’all! Ahem… I dooo declare! Just when we thought nothing could shatter our perception of reality, the earth has crumbled beneath our feet as the almighty Nick Saban, Alabama’s legendary head coach, succumbs to the crushing defeat of – brace yourselves – a Twitter poll. Because, as we all know, a Twitter poll is the ultimate measure of one’s worth in this world. ROLL TIDE!
Oh, but this wasn’t just any run-of-the-mill Twitter poll, bless your pretty little heart. No, it was THE Twitter poll, the Georgia Bulldogs of Twitter polls one might say, with so many participants that it might as well have been a national election. Yessiree, that’s right. The most significant event in sports history took place right there on the hallowed battleground of Twitter, y’all. ROLL TIDE!
And poor ol’ St. Nick got CRUSHED by the legendary, Matt Rhule (undefeated in college football, and Twitter polls, the last three years). Apparently, Saban couldn’t overrecruit enough fans to vote for him.
Rumor has it that our dear Saban, left utterly distraught by such a monumental loss, spends his nights pacing the halls of his humble home, questioning his entire existence as a football coach. And why wouldn’t he? After all, nothing says “you’ve failed” quite like a meaningless social media showdown. In his darkest hour, Saban was heard muttering, “Can’t we just buy someone a car and fix this sh**, ight?” Because, obviously, solving problems with cash and cars is the true Alabama way. ROLL TIDE!
And let’s not forget the ever-so-humble Alabama fans, known far and wide for their unmatched graciousness and totally reasonable reactions to any setback, however small. They’ve taken this catastrophe in stride, as one would expect. One Alabamya fan, Kinney McCourtney, took to Twitter to speak some uncomfortable truths, y’all. “Ugh. Like… Nebraska fans are like so dumb, y’all. They’re like just stupid. It’s whatever. But like, why not take this like totally serious and important poll like… serious. Ugh duh. Bots!”, whined one fan, who clearly had one too many of daddy’s moonshines.
Of course, the only logical explanation for this egregious injustice is that Nebraska fans must have resorted to underhanded tactics like using bots or even buying votes to tip the scales in favor of newcomer Matt Rhule. Because, as everyone knows, Twitter polls are the end-all, be-all of sports rivalries, and there’s no way Alabamya would ever lose anything ever without the other team CHEATING! ROLL TIDE.
As Saban comes to terms with the harsh reality of his Twitter poll defeat, he’s been overheard questioning his legacy, his entire coaching career, and the meaning of life itself. According to sources close to Saban, he melted down all his national championship trophies and plans to pawn the raw gold in order to drum up enough money to buy Tweeter from Elan’s Musk and eliminate Twitter polls… AS HE SHOULD!
Reports have also confirmed that Saban plans to return to the home of his previous greatest shame, Miami — WHERE HE BELONGS! Farewell, sweet baby Saban, and may you find you peace in the afterlife and solace in knowing that, in our hearts, you’ll always be the Kirby Smart of Alabama Football. ROLL TIDE!