‘Man Who Bought All the Toilet Paper First’ Passes Warren Buffet As Richest Man In America

The New Gold

WILBUR, KY — There’s a new sheriff in the billionaires club as Jimbob Couter, the guy who started stockpiling toilet paper months ago, had surpassed Warren Buffet as the richest man in America. Couter’s stockpile of bum paper is valued at 507.6 billion: “I gota me single-ply, double-ply, quilted, scented, blue, pink, purple… yous name her, I gots her.”

Of course, Couter doesn’t plan on cashing in on his TP treasure: “Dis here’s just the beginning, now. Them lizard-folks is makin’ der move. I ain’t sellin’ s!@#. Dis here paper’s gonna be the new money.”


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