EAST LANSING, MI — After much backlash regarding exiting coach Mark Dantonio’s lavish retention bonus, Michigan State University has brought in the big guns. Nancy Pelosi, fresh off her State of the Union performance, has been hired to renegotiate Dantonio’s contract. We were able to get a transcript of their first meeting.
NP: Riiiiiiiiiip. You hear that Mark? Riiiiiiiiiip. That’s the sound of me not giving a f@#$ what your contract says. Riiiiiiiiiip. That’s an audio reenactment of what goes through my head when I think about your contract. Riiiiiiiiiip. That’s me ripping up that $4.3 million. Riiiiiiiiiip. You catching my drift, Marky?
MD: <snorts angrily> Okay Pelosi. What if Paul and Paul Jr were to say… lands swanky jobs at the University?
NP: <glares at MD> Riiiiiiiiiip.
MD: Motherf!@#er. Okay fine. Christine, too.
MD: Oh FFS. And Alexandra.
NP: <claps at MD> Well then, Mark. I was never here.