Boulder, CO – In an effort to fill out its roster and maintain any semblance of a half-a** football program, the University of Colorado announced the launch of its new “Oh Sh**, They Leavin” job fair. The event, which will take place on the University’s campus, is open to “Literally anyone. Seriously, just show up and you’ll get a scholarship”, according to head coach, Deon Sanders.
“Hehe. I might have f**ked up,” said Sanders. “We comin’! Heh. Yeah yeah, we co– Hey, that CU check cleared yet?”
The event will feature a number of football drills and exercises like breathing, “ability to walk” and “spelling one’s name” for prospective players to try out.
“We’ll have some food trucks, a DJ, and even a bouncy castle for the kids,” said Sanders. “Like seriously, just show up. Please.”
While the coaching staff is excited about the potential for new recruits, some students and faculty members are concerned about the impact this could have on the University’s academic reputation.
“Haha, just kidding. We don’t have a reputation. Lol. That’s hilarious,” said Dr. Sarah Johnson, a professor of sociology at the University. Despite the concerns, Sanders is optimistic about the job fair’s potential.
“We’re looking for literally any warm body,” he said. “We’re not picky. If you can throw a football more than 20 yards, you’re hired. Just kidding. Can you say the word ‘football’? That’s all I need. Hey you. Yeah you, reporter guy. You wanna play? “
The event is scheduled to take place next Saturday on the University of Colorado campus. Prospective players are encouraged to bring their own footballs… “cuz like we don’t have any”, said Deoin.