USA — A new study out by Galloop Inc found that Americans have a new pastime: “reading about baseball’s latest cheating scandal”. According to the report, no sane person actually watches baseball anymore. I mean, what’s the point? The results are all gonna be vacated and altered in a few years anyway. Baseball is like the Penn State of sports — something dirty is always going on.
Instead, Americans wait gleefully for baseball’s next major cheating scandal. “Maybe it’ll be AI-powered pellets in the ball to give pitchers super control. Or, speakers inside the helmets. Or, something with laaaaaaaser beams! Or, maybe just roids again. Man, that was fun, wasn’t it? Whatever it is, I can’t wait to tweet how disappointed I am about it and how the ‘sport’ will never be the same again… again. It’s gonna be awesome!” said one avid fan.
Major League Baseball is considering formalizing its cheating scandal process. Initial plans detail a new scandal every two years to keep the “sport” relevant. One vacation of the World Series title every four years and a lifetime player ban at least once a decade. Pete Rose has been hired as a consultant.
