LINCOLN, NE – Shocking news out of Lincoln today as former Nebraska quarterback, Richard Torres, managed to infiltrate the heavily-guarded Nebraska football complex using nothing but his charm, wit, and a can opener. Torres swiftly incapacitated 15 guards using a series of carefully choreographed dance moves he learned from a viral TikTok video. All this to obtain the highly-coveted “practice film” that has become the stuff of legends within the college football world. As Torres made his daring escape, he shouted to onlookers, “FREEEEEEEEEDOM!”
Head coach Matt Rhule issued the following statement, “Uh, he could have just asked for it. We’re not weirdos who’d withhold practice footage of players… especially if we forced them off the team. Oh man, could you imagine? Only a complete a**hat would do that. Clearly, someone who’s in over their head in a Power 5 program!”
The university is considering canceling the upcoming football season after the devastating theft of their practice film. Officials have expressed grave concerns that, with the sacred footage now exposed to the watchful eyes of their opponents, Nebraska’s playbook has been laid bare and their chances of winning a single game have plummeted to zero.
One anonymous university official lamented, “It’s a disaster. We’ve been outed. Our top-secret plays that mostly involve running, throwing, and occasionally kicking a ball are now common knowledge! How can we possibly compete now that everyone knows our super-secret strategies like ‘Inside Zone’ and ‘Counter’? It’s just too risky. Better to shut it all down and focus on synchronized swimming or competitive basket weaving.”
The news has shocked the college football world, with coaches, players, and fans alike gripped by a sudden, irrational fear that their own programs might fall victim to similar acts of espionage. The mere thought of being forced to cancel their own seasons due to such a breach of security has sent shockwaves through the community, prompting an intense wave of overreaction.
One concerned fan was overheard saying, “If this can happen to Nebraska, then who’s next? What if every team has their super-secret practice films stolen? It could spell the end of college football as we know it! We must fortify our stadiums, encrypt our playbooks, and double down on security to protect ourselves from such unimaginable devastation!”
The event caused a rip in the space-time continuum, rewriting the past and present, and creating a new world where the Nazis won! Thirteen babies just died, 69 puppies just got kicked, and adults started putting ketchup on their hot dogs. Dies ist das Ende!