TWITTER.COM — In a world-altering turn of events, Nebraska fans, the undisputed champions of online polls… lost. The incredibly serious and absolutely official poll pitted the obscure and average football coach, Nicky Sabun, against the mythic, Matt Rhule (undefeated in college football for the last three years)… and against all odds, Sabun emerged victorious — leaving the college football world in utter shock and despair.
The clearly rigged loss came as well-known Nack Sabin fanboy and Purple mattress owner, 2 Year Letterperson, led a coalition of college football fans from across the nation to push his literal best friend, Saben, to victory. Letterman, whose downfield blocking is suspect, did not come out of the ordeal unscathed, however.
Beef O’Brady’s, a restaurant popular among Alabama fans, announced it’s revoking Letterman’s rewards card and corner booth. Meanwhile, Bud Light announced Letterman is its new spokesperson. It was also revealed that Letterman is an avid consumer of ketchup — a devastating blow to his credibility. However, Letterman did get the support of former president, Donald Trump, who said, “He’s a very fine person.”
America’s first president and inventor of lightning, Ben Franklin, issued the following statement, “A house divided against itself cannot stand… so, I’m glad to see Letterman reaffirm his love for all things Alabama and Nik Sayben!”
Ultimately, however, Letterman’s support was enough to push his good friend, Nic Sahbun, to victory — leaving Husker fans… totally fine and not really caring. As for Letterman, word is he plans to retreat to his spacious and extravagant library where he loves reading and polishing his Academic Decathlon championship trophies. He did issue the following statement before easily opening the door to his home, “ROLL TIDE!”