ATLANTA, GA — A new study by the CDC has, unsurprisingly, found a direct correlation between low IQ and “being a fan of the Iowa Hawkeyes”. The “Ferentz Effect”, as it’s being dubbed, is a phenomenon whereby as soon as one becomes a fan of the Hawkeyes, the affected’s IQ immediately drops by 30%. A particularly devastating condition in a state where IQs are already low. Other effects of the syndrome are:
- Immediate lowering of expectations and standards
- An odd obsession with the University of Nebraska
- Urge to get a belly tattoo
- Creating a Twitter account pretending to be a Husker fan
- Addiction to Natty Light
- Thinking the word “cornholer” is funny
The CDC study also found that there is no cure outside of abstinence and recommends avoiding Hawkeye fandom at all costs. Governor of Iowa, Kim Reynolds rebuked the study saying, “Oh yeah. Well. You’re stupid. What about Nebraska, huh? Answer that! Ha!”
Interestingly, the study also found a similar, but less dramatic, effect on those who become Creighton Bluejay fans. The “JaySker phenomenon” says the CDC. This condition includes the additional effect of “admiring the Iowa Hawkeyes football program”.
Nebraskans, in particular, are warned to avoid engaging with those affected as they are “not capable of logic and rational thinking and seem to only be capable of thinking ‘red team bad'”, according to the CDC.
